See if you can guess who I'm supporting?
Miss America back on network TV where she belongs! It opens with a rooftop shot of all the girls plus Brooke Burk and some guy! You can't hear a word for the helicopter noise.
Back on the ground, it's on!
Corny dance number to some auto-tuned crap song? Check!
Parade of States? Check!
Miss AZ dedicates this night to "my mentor," Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords. Nice.
Miss GA should have combed her hair.
Miss ID needs to stop screaming.
Miss KS has about 347 teeth.
Miss LA is here to spice up your life!
The best thing Miss MN could come up with is her state is the home of Target?
Claire Buffie, Miss New York! Gorgeous!
Miss PR is from the "home of Ricky Martin!"
Miss SC is totally cute.
Miss TX is a Brunette? Who ever heard of a Brunette Miss Texas?
Did Miss UT just make a polygamy joke?
Brought to you by Kathy Ireland and Window World!
And the Miss America Shoe Collection at DSW!
It's the semi finals. Drum roll please.
Miss OK! Naturally. Her name is Emoly. M-Oh-Lee.
NB! Miss Nebraska never wins. "I can make a difference..." blah, blah, blah.
TX! The Brunette!
RI!
UT! That polygamy joke worked!
WA! Jaquie Brown! Not that one.
AZ! She's no Vonda Kay.
HI!
VA!
AR! She says she's "racially ambiguous!" And totally gorgeous.
CA! She's no Jean Bartel.
But wait, there's more! The girls retire to "Brooke's lounge" to vote on two more semi-finalists! But first, the judges.
Joy Behar! Love her. Dr. Debbye Turner Bell! Marc Cheery of Desperate Housewives fame! Cute guy from Dancing With the Stars! Marilu Henner! She remembers everything! Two other people!
Now, it's America's choice! Two more semi-finalists...
Miss New York Claire Buffie with her gay rights platform!!!! She's beautiful and smart!
Miss DE! She's bald! No, seriously, she's got a disease that caused her hair to fall out.
The contstants' choice!
Miss KY!
Miss OR!
Your reigning Miss America, Caressa Cameron (pictured at top) is a vision in red.
It's time for Lifestyle and Fitness! What says Lifestyle and Fitness more than bikinis and heels?
I'm not feeling the taupe pumps with black swimsuits.
Lee Merriwether looks fabulous. She did not appear in a bikini and heels.
Only 12 can carry on.
TX! AR! DE! AZ! HI! WA! KY! CA! OK! VA! Miss New York Claire Buffie!!!
Evening wear!
TX is lovely in sparkles.
AR's role model is Michelle Obama.
HI looks like she's wearing a World Wrestling Federation belt.
KY is classy in gold.
Miss New York, Claire Buffie, is sophisticated in black.
It's time for talent! I really hate that they make all the girls suit up for their talent when two aren't going to perform. Tacky.
NB plays the piano. It's a pageant number with lots of dramatic chords and flourishes so nobody can tell if she makes a mistake. No matter, Nebraska never wins. Pay no attention to her.
WA sings Pappa Was a Rolling Stone. SRSLY.
AZ sings opera. There's always one.
CA sings I Who Have Nothing. Nothing but lungs. Jesus girl, nobody has to tell you to sing out, Louise.
OK does ballet en pointe. Just like she learned at Miss Mamie's Academy of Ballet and Deportment in Oklahoma City.
HI singing a Nina Simone song. Never try to follow Nina Simone.
DE does an interpretive dance! Finally an interpretative dance! I believe LC NY Bureau Chief Doug did interpretive dance as Miss Illinois in 19??
VA does Riverdance. Tap!
AR does ventriloquism! Awesome! In a red catsuit! A yodeling dummy! She's going for broke! Here she is:
KY sings something. Really loud.
Miss New York Claire Buffie has just been robbed people! She's not moving on. She's being passed over by a yodeling dummy? And riverdance?
It's question time. Miss New York Claire Buffie would have rocked this.
HI does fine. WA does OK. NB got a question on Wikileaks! Not easy. She gives a rah rah America sort of answer. Not bad. It doesn't matter though because Nebraska never wins. Pay no attention to her. AR gave a great answer to a difficult question about health care. She may win this thing.
It's a parade of 47 former Miss Americas! I could faint!
Jean Bartel! She looks amazing! She was Miss America 1943!
Vonda Kay!
Marilyn Van Derbur!
Phyllis George in feathers!
Both South Carolina winners! Marion McKnight and Kimberly Aiken!
We're down to the final five. 50th Anniversary Miss America Phyllis George will crown the winner. In feathers.
4th: Miss OK! M-Oh-Lee!
3rd WA!
2nd HI!
It's down to Nebraska and Arkansas. Arkansas has this in the bag. She's gorgeous and gave a great answer to a difficult question. Besides, everyone knows Nebraska never wins.
And the winner is....
Miss Nebraska! Teresa Scanlan! She's only 17! It's the first time for Nebraska! And the last time I try to predict the winner.
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